#27 AM Radio

While revered programs like “The Rush Limbaugh Show,” “The Radio Factor” and Paul Harvey’s “The Rest of the Story” entertain and inform country people they are NOT the reason why country people like AM radio.  Country dwellers have a special affinity for AM radio because local radio stations cover the news that matters most to country people.  “School news” is a standard favorite.  In addition to live coverage of high school basketball and football games, the broadcasts of school lunch menus are immensely popular.  School lunch menus are read just prior to the start of school each day and are followed by a reading of daily school calendars.

Another popular radio program is the “sheriff’s blotter.”  During this segment country people learn whose mailbox was vandalized the night before, who was pulled over for speeding and who was ticketed for not wearing a seatbelt.  DUIs and break-ins are not included in the sheriff’s blotter program but rather headline the “local news” at the top of the hour.  Of course, the favorite segment of all country people is the obituary broadcast.  Because all community people are required to attend every calling hours it is important that country people tune in to the obituary broadcast to receive notification of every visitation.  Like every other local radio program, the text of the obituary program is read directly from the local newspaper.

The last notable AM radio program that country people like is “community news.”  During community news country people are reminded of their neighbors’ birthdays and anniversaries and learn of wedding announcements.  In depth coverage on events like the women’s club ice cream social, bowling league results, teacher hirings and firings and the Farm Bureau bus trip to Wisconsin Dells predominate community news.

#26 Landmarks

Country roads and streets are assigned numerical route numbers and formal names.  Country people rarely use the formal names but instead reference landmarks when giving directions.  For example, you might be told “head east toward the Baptist church, turn left where the Taste-E-Freez used to be and its right next to the Johnson’s garage” when asking a country person how to get to 423 Henderson Street.  When country people do reference streets the informal names they use are based on landmarks.  County highways are named for either the distance of the highway (The Six Mile), the destination of the highway (Elmwood Blacktop) or for a landmark on the road (Grain Bin Road).  Streets in town are named for people who used to live on them.  Obviously, this can prove challenging for visitors.  If you plan to visit a country town familiarize yourself with the following landmarks to ensure that your travel goes smoothly: schools, former schools, churches, former churches, the bank, city hall, the fire station, where Mr. Roberts parks his truck, “the four-way stop” and the cemetery.

#25 Washcloths

Country people like washcloths.  They do NOT use loofahs, bath mitts, poufs or sponges nor do they apply soap directly to their skin.  Instead country people apply bar soap to a washcloth, lather and then scrub.  Liquid body gel may not be substituted for bar soap.

#24 Outdoor Pets

Country people are quite fond of their “outdoor pets” because of their companionship and convenience. Most outdoor pets are either a cat or dog. Outdoor dogs have the same boundaries as children which roughly means they may enter into neighboring yards as long as they do not cross a road. When outdoor dogs leave the boundary and do not return before nightfall the dog owner immediately calls the other outdoor dog owners in the area to locate the missing outdoor dog. Outdoor dogs sleep in a shed, barn or uniquely constructed dog house and relocate to a heated garage on the coldest winter nights.

Outdoor cats have the full range of the neighborhood and typically return to the “owner’s” home for food and water every few days. It is not uncommon for an outdoor cat to leave the “owner” and not return for several days. If your outdoor cat does not return for a week or so you should not be alarmed; the cat is being fed by other outdoor cat owners who will inform you of her whereabouts when they see you at the grocery store, church potluck or the Friday night football game. While most outdoor cat owners possess only two or three, some raise outdoor cats by the dozen.

“Stray cats” are very similar to outdoor cats in that they are also fed by outdoor cat owners. They differ from outdoor cats in that they do not have an “owner” and do not relocate to a heated garage on the coldest winter nights. Stray cats provide the valuable social function of strengthening relationships among neighbors who routinely complain to one another of their presence.

#23 Meat

Country people love meat. They eat meat at nearly every meal and often in between. At dinner (the noontime meal) and supper country people include meat in every dish. A typical dinner consists of a “cold meat sandwich” on white bread and a pasta salad of bowties, miracle whip and bacon bits. For supper country people “fix” either pork chops, fried chicken or ribeyes with a side of green bean casserole made from canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup and diced ham. A baked potato with butter and bacon is optional. On weekends country head to their local “sit-down restaurant” for a breakfast of ham with side dishes of country sausage and bacon. Most sit-down restaurants will substitute sausage links in place of the bacon. (On weekdays country people eat cereal from a box) Beef jerky, turkey jerky and deer jerky are popular meat snacks consumed by country people between meals.

Country people buy their meat from their friends and neighbors. Several families in every rural community raise cows and pigs for community consumption rather than for commodity exchange. Meat is purchased in either whole animal units or half animal units directly from those families in late August immediately after the families’ children have completed the summer 4H fair circuit. The meat from the animal is butchered at the local meat locker where country people can buy smaller portions of meat as well.

Country schools teach youngsters the importance of meat from a very early age. In middle school country students spend one semester each year in agriculture class where they learn cow and pig breeds (7th grade) and cuts of pork and beef (8th grade). As teens, these youngsters can either take courses in animal science, agribusiness and agriscience at their high school or receive dual credit from their local community college for courses in swine production and beef management.

#22 Cinder Tracks

Country people like to make calculated efforts to “toughen up” their young ones. To make boys into men and girls into strong women country people insist that their children conduct gym class on cinder running tracks rather than on polyurethane surfaces. The toughening begins in elementary school as young country children are taught to “buck up” after scraping their knees upon falling over Pringles Can hurdles during field day. In the middle and upper grades, adolescents acquire scars on their chins and palms during the “PE class” when their first attempt at high hurdles goes horribly wrong.

Of course, country people also like cinder tracks because they keep the unattended youngsters from roughhousing while their parents watch the Friday night football game that takes place inside of the cinder track oval. Children are reminded of the dangers of roughhousing on the cinder surface every week when attention is diverted away from the field and onto an hysterical, bloodied roughhouser screaming for his mother from the bottom of the bleachers.

Cinder tracks are not without their drawbacks, however. Country track teams are always at a disadvantage during championship meets in the city when they run on the “all weather tracks” of the host squads. Yet all in all, the cinder track performs a great service to the community.

#21 Crockpots

Country households have two crockpots. One crockpot, “the little crockpot,” is stored in a kitchen cabinet and is used on a regular basis to prepare chili, stews, soups and deer meat.  The little crockpot can also be used to create liquid cheese by melting Velveeta.

The other crock pot, “the big crockpot,” is kept in a storage closet and is used to transport and warm “covered dishes” for special occasions such as potlucks (ham balls), ice cream socials (brownies) or graduation parties (meatballs).  Keeping your covered dishes warm with the crockpot will ensure that attendees of the special occasion “go on and on” about your delicious dish.

“Serving line crockpots” are never owned by individuals but rather are jointly owned by church congregations and 4H clubs.  Anyone may use the device for no cost provided they know who used it immediately before them.  The serving line crockpot is used almost exclusively for serving pulled pork at wedding receptions or concession stands.

#20 Marriage

Country people believe marriage to be a “sacred institution.” In light of the importance of marriage few country people pass up the opportunity to “enter into Holy Matrimony.” Thus many country people marry a “high school sweetheart” before the age of 21. Women who do not marry a high school sweetheart must find a partner prior to the age of thirty or they run the risk of being labeled an “old maid.” Men who do not marry by thirty are presumed to be homosexuals and fellow country people will confess that they have “always thought there’s something funny about that boy.”

A significant number of country marriages are commenced at a wedding ceremony. The wedding ceremony takes place on a Sunday afternoon and is very similar to a city ceremony with the added element of a young women singing Bette Midler’s “The Rose” as the grandmothers are seated. After the wedding ceremony all the invited guests, and all those who read the announcement in the weekly “Shopper,” congregate in the church basement for a wedding reception highlighted by a large platter of “cold meat sandwiches.” Like graduations, “7-Up & Sherbert” punch is served at the wedding reception in addition to butter mints and a wedding cake.

Country weddings, and the marriages they celebrate, are truly glorious occasions enjoyed by country people, young and old. Weddings are so well liked that a disproportionate number of country people choose to marry for a second, or even third, time.

#19 Liquid Cheese

Country people like Easy Cheese almost as much as they love Cheese Whiz.

#18 Volunteer Firemen

When a fire occurs in the country, country people do not dial 911. Instead they dial the 7-digit number for the volunteer fire department. The call is automatically redirected to the county Sheriff’s deputy who immediately places a mass call to the “fire phones” of volunteer firemen. The deputy also places a call to the city clerk who immediately sounds the “5 o’clock whistle.” This whistle summonses to “the fire house” all firemen who are not at home to answer their their fire phones. As firemen arrive at the fire house they board the fire truck and travel to the location of the fire. If the fire is still burning when the firemen arrive then the volunteer fire departments of neighboring towns are called in to assist.

For the most part, volunteer firemen volunteer for the job. However, men who work in town are aware that they are expected to join the squad given their proximity to the 5 o’clock whistle.

While volunteer firemen are all male, country women also have an important role in firefighting. Upon hearing the whistle country women immediately turn on their police scanner to receive details about the fire location. Like the case of severe weather, women with police scanners then call friends and relatives without police scanners to tell them whose property is aflame. This is where things get tricky. Elderly men and women AND women who are close friends of the victims of the fire travel to the location of the fire to reminisce about the destroyed building. Women who did not know the victims and wives of the firemen have the option of preparing brownies and chili to take to the firehouse so that the firemen can be fed when their job is done.

Volunteer firemen are liked by all country people as evidenced by an attendance level at the annual fire department fundraiser that exceeds that of graduation.