#37 Supper

Country people eat an evening meal shortly after 5 o’clock each day.  At 5 o’clock the “five o’clock whistle” blows to notify country men and women that they may leave work, briefly congregate at the post office or the gas station and then go home for supper.  This routine is sometimes complicated during severe weather when the 5 o’clock whistle is easily mistaken for a tornado siren.

“Suppertime” is subject to several important parameters.  First, supper must include either cream of mushroom soup or Jello.  The cream of mushroom soup may not be served alone but rather in a casserole, poured over a can of vegetables or baked with chicken smothered with croutons, potato chips and/or cheese.  Suppertime Jello should be mixed with a “fruit cocktail.”  Second, supper may not occur after 6pm.  The only exception to this rule is on fish fry nights when the town restaurant stays open until 7.  Finally, supper parameters may be suspended on nights with “outatown ballgames.”  On outatown game nights supper is eaten “in town” either before the game at fast food restrunt or after the game at a “shi shi” shit down restrunt like Applebee’s, Fazoli’s or Chili’s.

#36 Generators

All country households possess an electric generator.  The reason for possessing an electric generator is threefold: 1) to guard against “times of distress,” 2) to have something to do on the Friday after Thanksgiving and 3) to keep up with country neighbors who have a generator too.

Country men are the providers and protectors of country families.  To keep their families safe during times of distress country men buy electric generators.  When a time of distress occurs – characterized by the loss of electrical power – the country man immediately stumbles (in the dark) into his garage and locates the generator underneath piles of tools, old eight tracks, fishing gear and pop cases.  After removing those items from the vicinity of the generator he then carries the generator (in the dark) towards the house and returns to the garage (in the dark) to locate an extension cord.  If the man successfully locates an extension cord and has “warmed up the generator” sometime in the previous year then his family is spared from the time of distress and is able to operate a lamp, a television and an alarm clock until the time of distress ends.

In order for the generator to operate as smoothly as described above the country man must engage in routine generator maintenance.  The maintenance routine is called “warming up the generator” and takes place annually on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  On this day while the country woman locates Christmas decorations underneath piles of summer clothing, photo albums and obsolete kitchen appliances, the country man locates the generator underneath the aforementioned piles of tools, eight tracks, gear and pop.  Once the man has gained access to the generator he attempts to run the motor.  The motor will not run on the first half a dozen attempts.  The man then makes the necessary repairs and warms up the generator.  This ensures that the generator is operable for times of distress that occur during the winter months.

In actuality country households rarely, if ever, use their generators.  Nonetheless, possession of a generator is crucial because it is widely known that other country people own generators.  Country people are accutely aware of the possessions of their neighbors and feel compelled to “keep up with” the purchases (like car ribbon magnets, lawn ornaments, generators and trampolines) made by others in their neighborhood.

#35 Vacation Bible School

During the hottest week in July country children attend Vacation Bible School each morning at an un-airconditioned local church.  “Bible School” is a community effort led primarily by pastor’s wives and high school kids who reluctantly volunteer because they have nothing else to do and know they will be rewarded with a trip to Church Camp sometime before school starts.  The responsibility of hosting Bible School rotates among the local churches.  The pastor’s wife of the host church plays the piano and recruits Bible School teachers while the pastors’ wives of the non-host churches are responsible for recruiting women to make cookies and Kool-Aid and for reminding everyone that Bible School went much more smoothly the previous year when she hosted it.  One church in town – the one in which the pastor’s wife and homeschooled daughters wear prairie dresses – does not participate because mixing with other churches is “against their religion.”

Bible School gives children ages 6-12 who do not regularly attend church an opportunity to learn about Jesus, God and the Bible.  It gives young children who do attend church regularly an opportunity to make fun of the other kids because they don’t know any of the songs or memory verses.  The week begins with a “kick-off” in which the male pastor of the host church leads everyone in pledges to the American flag, the Christian flag and the Bible.  Then female volunteers perform “cool skits” that include at least two rap songs and talking vegetables.  Finally an eager high school boy who people often whisper about teaches the children hand motions to traditional church songs.

The daily Bible Schools activities look like this.  In addition to bible lessons and popcicle stick crafts, students rehearse their hand motions each day and bring a coin offerring “to help poor kids on an Indian reservation.”

The last day of Bible School is held off-site near a lake.  Friends and family are invited to participate in the culminating “Bible School Program.”  At the Bible School Program the children perform the hand motions they practiced throughout the week and take a final collection for poor kids on an Indian reservation.  The male pastor makes his second Bible School appearance at the Bible School Program and tells all in attendance how to avoid hell.  Those wishing to avoid hell are then baptized in the lake.  A swimming pool is often substituted in communities without a lake.

#34 FHA

Country girls enjoy participation in what is referred to as the Future Homemakers of America (FHA) throughout their high school career. The organization was officially renamed Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America in 1999 but few country people have adopted the name. There are no membership requirements for FHA; all country females are de facto members of the organization. Members of the FHA carry out several very important responsibilities throughout the year. The largest of these responsibilities is organizing the annual “Sweetheart Dance.” This requires the Future Homemakers to decorate the multipurpose room for the dance, prepare 7-Up and Sherbert punch and serve it at the dance, create an elegant background out of cardboard to enhance the photos taken by the art teacher, and supervise the election of a “Sweetheart King” selected from the membership of the Future Farmers of America. Girls in FHA are also responsible for hosting the annual Armed Services Pancake Breakfast. This event provides Future Homemakers an opportunity to prepare food for men, provide table service to men, and clean up after men. In alternate years the event is co-hosted by the Advanced Foods class at the high school. Girls who participate in all of the FHA events earn the privilege of traveling to the city mall for a “shopping trip.” The trip is of great importance because one of the three pages that the FHA is alloted in the yearbook is devoted to pictures from the shopping trip. The other two pages are devoted to photos of “FHA Members,” “FHA Officers” and “FHA Seniors.”

#33 Detasseling

The first paid employment for a country teenager is detasseling.  Detasselers meet at the city park each morning of July at 4:30am and ride a school bus to the detasseling site.  Upon arriving at the corn field detasseling “crews” walk through rows of corn and tear tassels off the top of cornstalks.  When working as a detasseler expect to get very wet in the mornings, to grow very hot in the afternoons and to get “corn rash” at some point during the summer.  You will earn between $4 and $5.50 per hour and will be paid in cash.  Expect to be asked by friends, “why do they do that for?” and be prepared to respond “I have no idea but its something really scientific.”  If you detassel for at least 3 summers and have good attendance you can apply to be a “crew leader.”  Crew leaders receive paychecks directly from Pioneer or Dekalb.

#32 Layered Foods

Country people prefer dishes served in seven layers.  The simplest of the 7-layer country specialties is 7-layer Jello.  7-layer Jello requires patience and persistence as one layer of Jello must set up before the subsequent layer is poured.  Each layer is a different color and no canned fruit is included in the dish as is required when no layers are present.

7-layer dip is a popular dish at potlucks and graduation parties.  When preparing 7-layer dip first place a layer of refried beans in a casserole dish to provide a base for the upper layers.  Do not worry if the beans are of low quality since few country people will actually eat the layer of refried beans.  After placing the beans in the dish cover them with sour cream, but omit the guacamole layer called for in the recipe.  It is imperative that you omit the third layer of guacamole in your 7-layer dip if you wish for your dip to be pleasing to the country palate.  After you have omitted the guacamole place layers of tomatoes and iceberg lettuce.  If you wish to create an “ethnic dish” you may substitute the tomatoes with “salsa.”   Top the dip with layers of shredded cheese and olives.

A 7-layer salad is a favorite country dish.  The popularity of this dish that includes Miracle Whip, Bacon Bits, sugar and eight vegetables can be attributed to the nutritious value added to the country diet by the veggies.  To fix 7-layer salad layer chopped iceberg lettuce lettuce, carrots, broccoli, celery, green pepper, onion, cucumber, and peas in a large bowl.  Then pour a Miracle Whip and Sugar blend over the vegetables.  Finally, top the dish wish additional layers of cheese and Bacon Bits.

Country desserts can also be layered.  A example of a layered dessert is the 7-layer bar.  Also known as Magic Cookies, these bars are fixed by layering butter, crushed graham crackers, coconut, chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, condensed milk, and walnuts in a pan and baking until done.

Should you ever have the opportunity to cook for a potluck and your crockpot is busted, you should give a layered food strong consideration.

#31 Wind Chimes

Discordant sounds abound in the country where wind chimes are aplenty.  Wind chimes are usually made out of aluminum or bamboo and hang at every entryway into a country home.  They can be readily purchased at any craft show.  The beautiful multi-toned sounds of wind chimes are enjoyed by country people day and night; in the summer months they are used to drown out the noises of the florescent bug zappers that dot the countryside.  Specialty wind chimes include those constructed from shells and those in which the striking mechanism is a  professional sports team logo.  Many country people choose to accent their wind chimes with bird feeders, bird baths, bird houses and windsocks.  If you are looking for a mother’s day gift for a country mom, you can’t go wrong with a wind chime (or snow globe)!  Country people like wind chimes.

#30 Country People

Country people are for the most part welcoming folks. They like city people a lot, but they like folks who can relate to them a bit more. This camaraderie and shared experience is why country people like other country people.

Country people like outsiders but they dislike when the outsiders incorrectly assume they know what is best for them. Country people are all too familiar with city people who view them as backwards or ignorant and are reluctant to embrace their cultures and traditions. Those city folks – well intentioned or otherwise – rarely understand the unique complexities that characterize life in the country that are the subjects of this blog. As such, country people prefer other country people with whom they regularly share successes, challenges, recipes, backyards and common histories.

#29 Pet Names

If you meet a country person do not call them by their given name. Call them by a nickname because country people love pet names. Few country people are called by their given name.

Initially you may accomplish this task by shortening their given name, as you may choose to call a “Jonathan” by the name “Jon” or an “Elizabeth” by “Liz.” As you grow more skilled at nicknaming you should add a -y to either the given name or the shortened name so that it becomes a name like Jonny or Lizzy. If this technique proves difficult for you do not fret. You can also choose to call a country person by a standard list of pet names. Favorite pet names include Buddy, Junior, Honey, Sweetie, Darlin’, Kiddo, Stinker, So and So, Old Man (Surname), Snicklefritz and Chief. This list is intentionally abridged so that readers can offer their favorite pet names.

#28 Waving

Country people wave at everyone they meet. It is customary for country people to wave in the car at the driver of every car that passes in the opposite direction, to wave in the yard at every car that passes by, and to wave on foot at anyone else on foot who is outside of shouting distance. If an individual is within shouting distance or passing by the yard on foot then a brief verbal conversation about the weather takes the place of a wave. Waves must be delivered on every passing regardless of how often an interpersonal meeting occurs; for example, waves between neighbors must take place each and every time the neighbors see one another.

There are two styles of country waves, the wiper wave and the stationary wave, and both are used in specific contexts. Waves from the car and waves from the yard are always stationary. A stationary wave is performed by opening the palm toward the recipient of the wave at about eye level. The stationary wave is accompanied by a slight dipping of the chin. This wave is used to efficiently acknowledge the presence of a neighbor. The wiper wave resembles the sweep of a windshield wiper as the forearm moves through a semi-circle with the elbow remaining a stationary pivot point. This wave is the out-of-shouting-distance wave and is used to get the attention of someone who is out of earshot.

The politics of waving are quite dramatic. As mentioned above, a country person must wave to everyone they meet regardless of they like or dislike the wavee. While it is appropriate to grin while waving at someone towards whom you have positive associations and to look down while waving at someone whom you despise, a wave must be delivered in all cases. If one does not wave he or she will be sanctioned swiftly and completely by all in the community. Those who wave promptly – before the other party waves – and pleasantly are seen as exceptional friends and neighbors.